Breakups & Closure

I am a person who has a tendency to hold onto feelings and sentimental possessions. I still have letters from a few exs and jewellery from another. My friends and family have always pushed me to burn it or get rid of it, but no part of me ever wants to. I keep all of it shoved away in a drawer in my room that never gets open. It is like Pandora's box, better left closed. 

I am the same about feelings, I am a dweller. I will sit around for months. Legit, I sat around for 8 months thinking about my breakup with one person. It consumed me, not to mention it was quarantine. The sadness, the guilt and the longing to fix it raced my mind everyday like clock work. But, nothing is worse than the “What Ifs” and “Questions” that circulate my mind. I will sit down with my computer and write out messages that are legit just questions I want to ask that person that have been on my mind. No part of me ever stops to question if it is a good idea to open up that can of worms or if it is better left unsaid. - If their answers will hurt more than I expected. 

I have learned the hard way that sometimes people won’t want to stay in your life and the questioning of their leaving is never going to help. The closure will never provide you with the full answer or exactly what you wanted to hear. Closure is more like fragments of a story and you’ll never receive the whole story. You’ll never hear the ending, you’ll only have certain chapters and pages of that book.

The hardest part of a breakup is (in my opinion) acceptance and letting go. I never wanted to accept that a certain person will no longer be in my life. I never wanted to close that chapter of my life. I am a romantic, so every part of me wants to form my relationships like the ones I see in the movies. If there ever was a breakup, I would want the breakup to be followed by one person begging for forgiveness or fighting for the other person to come back followed by the rekindling of the relationship and happiness again. However, I sadly realized life is not like the movies and some mistakes are so hurtful that there will never be a happy ending no matter how hard you try. The only thing you can do is allow that person to leave your life and hope that you both can find happiness again. 

Here is where I struggle again. I can never manage to fully let that person leave my life without it bothering me for months. I become consumed again and let myself create stories in my head. Do they miss me too? Do they think about me or want me back? Are they happy with someone else?

I tried everything to get myself to stop thinking about my ex, I even listened to breakup podcasts but they still never fully helped me or provided any closure. 

Closure is something we need to accept will never happen and honestly doesn’t exist. Happiness and freedom will come once we forgive ourselves for hurting them, for them hurting us, and understanding that we can’t fight the path the universe has planned out for us. If you are meant to be with someone, it will work itself out. If someone is meant to be in our lives only for a season or a lesson, then there is a reason for it and we can’t fight it. Life has interesting ways of teaching us lessons and honestly, I find the most monumental lesson/learning experience in life comes during a hard breakup. We will learn about ourselves and truly become introspective people.

So, try to accept what is and what isn’t. Learn to grow with love and learn to be happy for other people even if it is hard to see them move on. Life is full of amazing people who will come into our lives so be kind and trust in the universe. 

x Tay